Look Three Ways Before Crossing

Continuing on with my companion chapter pieces to F*ck Love, here’s the write up for Chapter 2: F*ck Beauty.

Pre-reading Predisposition

Well, first we have the cliches, right?

As for me personally, I’ve had a hard time keeping all of this in check in the past. I’ve been a sucker for looks. And when I wasn’t, I tried too hard to look beneath the surface to make things work.

Effort in a relationship is good, but it can’t be all work. You do need a moments where things feel effortless.

And when my first relationship crumbled– despite all my hard work– I said to myself, “Damn. She wasn’t even that hot.”

Now, that isn’t a healthy way to process a break-up and recoup. In fact, it is kind of fucked up. Following that kind of logic, that’d mean all the cheating she did would be okay if she were a 10/10.

But it just doesn’t work that way.

But After Reading…

Looks are a “three way” street.

  1. You should find your partner attractive. That part’s the easiest to digest.
  2. Your partner should find something about you attractive. Mutual feelings are a good way to ensure a long-lasting relationship.
  3. You need to find yourself attractive. And here’s where it gets tricky.

Body positivity is a good thing. Unfortunately, the people who are most vocal about this are usually the most insecure. The loudest preachers are often the least active practitioners.

This chapter focuses on the reason why you need to be comfortable in your own skin: insecurity. Imagine you’re partnered with someone with supermodel looks, but you rate yourself poorly. The awesome feeling of “OMG how is this happening?” quickly dissolves into “OMG why is this person still with me?

A good partner is there to support you, sure. But, insecurity? Insecurity breeds the need for constant re-assurance. Keyword on the constant. The more you need to be reminded, the more it becomes a chore. Eventually the chore becomes a job… up until the person decides it isn’t worth the work and quits.

Chapter Highlights

“If you’re looking for a long-term partner, avoiding romance with someone you’re not sexually attracted to isn’t superficial, it’s smart.”

“Whether you want it, have it, or had it, beware its effects on your choices and the feelings that drive them. Those feelings are not linked to your will or good intentions, and when they aren’t pushing you to do and say stupid things, often with the wrong people, they’re causing hurt, frustration, and obsession.”

Closing Thoughts/TL;DR

  • Looks matter, period.
  • Balance attractiveness in 3 ways: out, back, and in.
  • Insecurity can be present, but shouldn’t be crippling.

These write ups are not meant to be a substitute for reading the book. Seriously, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice if you don’t check out Michael I. Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett’s work, so do yourself a favor and check out a copy.

Published by Jon Dao

Formerly, the Conversation Coach

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